Leave me alone or I’ll bite you!
These are the words my mother repeated screaming over and over again when I visited last week.
I had taken her for a pedicure and brought her home later in the afternoon. I was nearly out the door of the Villa when I realized I still had her socks in my purse. All her clothing is name tagged, and I didn’t want her to be without socks. So I went back to her room to drop them off. 
This is where I heard my mother screaming from the bathroom, the door was slightly ajar. Two care aides on either side of her, one holding her hands firmly in their grip, the other gently (but quickly) cleaning her with a warm cloth.
When I kneeled on the floor in the bathroom in front of her, my mom’s face immediately calmed. It changed from angry to accepting. I reassured her they were keeping her clean, and she would be in bed shortly. I rubbed her very small, and very soft hands. I helped put her with her nighty, and then helped get her into bed.
When my mother was screaming at the care aides, they were cleaning her for the evening. Washing her off, applying lotion (so her skin doesn’t crack), putting on her nightgown, brushing her teeth. All good things - things she needs done.
I am the first to admit, my mother receives extraordinary care at the Villa. I would almost venture to say it is one of the best facilities in the province. I know each of the care aides - and I like them all. Many of them have been there for years (one has been there for 12). I see them on a regular basis, I hear about them from other families. I know they are the best of the best, and treat all the residents with care, dignity, love and respect. I truly have no doubt about this.
Still, for the past week I have been upset about it. I am still trying
to work through how I feel.
My mother trusts that I would never do her harm, or put her in a harmful situation. For this am I grateful. But I am tormented over what happens during the nightly cleaning routine. Does my mom get this upset every night? Then is the cleaning that necessary? Is this just the way of facilities (even great ones?). I can imagine everyone needs to be cleaned - but at what cost? All the studies I have read have said try not to upset persons with Alzheimer's Dementia.
I never want to see my mom upset. It makes me want to be there every night to put her to bed, but obviously I can't.
How do I accept that she gets this upset ever night? The thought breaks my heart. If you have any personal experience with this issue, please share it with me. I am looking for ways to get through this.
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Reader Comments (2)
Oh, I feel for you so much! We've gone through a bit of the same thing with my mum (she's at Simpson Manor in Fort Langley), and I know the staff there are amazing, patient, wonderful human beings, and many there, too, are long-timers. But still ... I wonder, too, what happens that my mum can't articulate? Her language and comprehension skills are so depleted; what am I or my dad missing? Everyone's journey is so different, so unique, and I wish I had the magic words to say that would ease you through this time. I do know, though, through experience, that one day she'll forget to protest against the caregivers' ministrations. It just won't occur to her, and that will be bittersweet, too. Chances are, even now, that she forgets quite quickly what upset her a few minutes earlier. My mum's hit me and tried to bite me (and she's got a full set of her own chompers still!), and only me (yay ...?), when she's been so angry with me over something like not letting her pull out an IV, but literally a minute or two later, it's gone from her memory. It's so upsetting to me because I'm still mad or upset, but she's over it instantly -- a blessing in disguise. So, try not to take it too much to heart, as harsh as that sounds. Next week it may well be something else to adjust to! You love your mum so much; she clearly knows that. And you're doing the right things. Don't beat yourself up over it. **hug**
I loved my dad so much that when we showed up at the facility, where he was being looked after, and did not like what we say......we made the decision to take him home.
You may not be in the position to take your mom home. My openion is that at this stage of the disease, your mom may just want to get used to one care giver.
A very good idea may be to employ a private caregiver, whom she will get to trust and love, and who would always be with he. this usually work in all the cases that i have experienced.
Change of faces and oersonalities are sometimes hard for the people with dementia to process. I love your dear m I wish I could get to meat her.
Give her my regards, she is a lovely lady.......Try Private care.