Out of the Blue

Oh, boy. 

It has been a while since I have posted. I've realized that I cannot write when I am 'in the process.' I need time and space to heal, reflect and finally accept. 

Just after my last post in July of 2012, my mother stopped being able to walk and was fitted for a wheelchair.  

I started to recover from that in about November, but then she stopped being able to eat or chew solid food. 

I started to recover from that in February, but then she started sobbing (lucidly) every time she was bathed. 

I stared to recover from that in April, but then she stopped being able to speak. 

I started to recover from that in June, but then she started drooling (and not being able to move the saliva in her mouth). 

I stared to recover from that in July, and then he started having problems swallowing pureed food.

It's heartwrechingly painful. All my cries, all my sobs, do nothing to stop this gutwrenching disease from taking over my mother. She is shrinking like a jawbreaker. Slowly and evenly way all the way, layer by layer down through to her core.

Her disease is relentless. It is like a truck that plows through your house without mercy, breaking, shredding and tearing everything up until there is just a path of destruction in its wake.

I pick up what is left, and dust myself off.

So, what is left?  

Sometimes there is a little smile here and there. Sometimes she will reach for my necklace or bracelet and try to form a word, "Wh" - she will get out. Then she will lose her concentration. I know she is asking "where did you get this?" I tell her who it's from.  

But every time, multiple times (no joke - over 25 times per visit) she will reach out and pull whatever she can get her hands on, my hair, my jacket, my cheek to get my face close enough to hers so she can kiss me. 

And this little gesture means everything. I just kiss her over, and over, and over and over again. I smother myself in the love she has for me, and try to hold onto the moment of bliss.  

I know it won't be long before the truck is back taking that away too. 

PS: She is much, MUCH happier to see me than she appears in this photo!