Sex Drive Part 5 - Deliberation

Over the next few weeks as I struggle with constant thoughts about what I should and should not do for my mother. It keeps me up at night. Through this period she continually asks me to find her a man to have sex with. I wondered if it would ever end. Even though I knew the diagnosis was Alzheimer’s, otherwise my mother was still functioning (and living on her own). When I looked at her I saw my mom, not someone who was ill.

The requests feel real, and I am tormented with what to do. 

One afternoon as I contemplated the possibilities, I remembered a story she had told me about the day her mother died. As my Granny lay dying in her hospital bed she had asked my mother to brush her hair - my mother said no telling my Granny she didn’t need it done. After my Granny died my mother had been plagued with guilt. "Why didn’t I just brush her hair? Who was I to judge what she needed or didn’t need?" she would say to me. I knew she was ravaged by guilt and regret. "It was a simple request which would have made her feel good, I should have done it.” 

Was finding my mother a man the same kind of request? Was it my place to decide what was good for her, or what she needed? Was I crazy to even be contemplating the request? The question then became, was my mother's request as simple as brushing my Granny’s hair? And more importantly, would I feel guilty for not doing it? 

I decide - I could not judge.

It was not my place to decide what was good for her, and what was not (and truth be told, even though I didn't want to think about it for a second, I couldn't imagine it wouldn't be pleasurable...). And so I decided that if my mom’s request was for me to find her a man -  that's what I was going to do.

Now, how exactly was I going to go about finding a man for my mom...

To be continued in Part 6 - Finding a man for my mom