Sex Drive Part 5 - Deliberation

Over the next few weeks as I struggle with constant thoughts about what I should and should not do for my mother. It keeps me up at night. Through this period she continually asks me to find her a man to have sex with. I wondered if it would ever end. Even though I knew the diagnosis was Alzheimer’s, otherwise my mother was still functioning (and living on her own). When I looked at her I saw my mom, not someone who was ill.

The requests feel real, and I am tormented with what to do. 

One afternoon as I contemplated the possibilities, I remembered a story she had told me about the day her mother died. As my Granny lay dying in her hospital bed she had asked my mother to brush her hair - my mother said no telling my Granny she didn’t need it done. After my Granny died my mother had been plagued with guilt. "Why didn’t I just brush her hair? Who was I to judge what she needed or didn’t need?" she would say to me. I knew she was ravaged by guilt and regret. "It was a simple request which would have made her feel good, I should have done it.” 

Was finding my mother a man the same kind of request? Was it my place to decide what was good for her, or what she needed? Was I crazy to even be contemplating the request? The question then became, was my mother's request as simple as brushing my Granny’s hair? And more importantly, would I feel guilty for not doing it? 

I decide - I could not judge.

It was not my place to decide what was good for her, and what was not (and truth be told, even though I didn't want to think about it for a second, I couldn't imagine it wouldn't be pleasurable...). And so I decided that if my mom’s request was for me to find her a man -  that's what I was going to do.

Now, how exactly was I going to go about finding a man for my mom...

To be continued in Part 6 - Finding a man for my mom 

Sex Drive ~ part 3 ~ the drive continues

For the next few weeks, I slide into a bubble of denial and try to pretend nothing is wrong. It had only been just over a year and a half since I had moved back to Vancouver. 

I wanted to be closer to my mother. I had left in my mid-twenties trying to get as far away from her as I could (I made it as far as Edmonton, and then I came back to visit every 6 weeks). It seems the further I went the better and stronger our relationship became. The only child, my mother had always wanted more of me than I could give. I wanted to be out with friends traveling and living life, she wanted me to be hanging out with her. After I moved away she began to live her own life. By my early 30’s I had made it as far as Toronto, but I wanted to move home. Our relationship had grown strong and I was now my own person. I didn’t want to miss any more time with her as she entered her 60's. 

A few Sunday’s later I call as I am on my way over for breakfast, can I bring anything, I’m on my way over? Yes, my mom says, "a man".  

I lose it. “Listen Mom” I say in anger, “I’m not finding you a man, okay? It is not my job to get you a man!,” I yell in my car. “Tricia, I want you to find me a man!” “Mom, who do you think I am? Do you think I have hanging out of my pockets? What do you think - that I have a catalog full of men to choose from?” I scream so loud I almost lose my voice (and feel instantly bad about it - but I DO like the idea of a catalog full of men ;-). Almost without hesitation she says: “Can you bring the catalog when you come for breakfast?” I shake my head in disbelief.

You have got to be kidding? I have enough on my plate without worrying about trying to get my mother laid. I’m grieving, working full-time, and in the middle of a major renovation on my house. More importantly, I am trying to get her a more specific diagnosis. The hope is that I can get her stabilized on medication to reduce and slow down the progress of the Alzheimer's. This means more doctors, specialists and tests. All my mom wants is for me to find her a man? Fuck, this is unbelievable. 

Except for Kristina and a few other close friends, I'm to embarrassed to tell anyone what's happening. 

To be continued in part 4... 

Sex Drive ~ Part Two

A few weeks later I pick my mum up at her office for an emergency road test (a test she thinks the doctor had requested). But it was me that scheduled it (and begged the road test people for the safety of all those on the road) after she pulled into three lanes of oncoming traffic and nearly killed us both. An hour prior to this incident, we were meeting at my office for lunch. She had gotten lost and parked on the other side of the city. I called the police and reported her as a missing person. That night I drove to her house stole the keys (and the car) and left a note telling her the doctor didn’t want her driving. She refused to listen. I was outsmarted. In the morning she had taken a taxi to my house and used the spare key. 

After the road test a woman calls from the Motor Vehicle's Office. My mother had failed the test. The official letter would be sent to her in the mail. I am devastated. My mother, the strong, courageous independent woman who ran her own company has lost her license. Our lives are changing at a pace I can’t keep up with. 

I vow to do everything in my power to protect her, and help her maintain her independence for as long as possible. I tell her I will find her a driver and he will drive her everywhere she needs to go. I go to bed early that night with the aid of a sleeping pill the doctor has prescribed. 

I wake up in the morning to a voicemail: 

“Hi darling it’s your mother, don’t worry about your mother, she is going to be fine, and you’re going to find me a driver and he’s going to drive me around and screw me...okay darling, bye-bye."

What? Did she really say that? I replay the message over and over again...yes, she said it. Okay. 

I call her and am careful to explain - that the person I hire to drive her will not be her sexual partner. She tells me she understands and that she will be happy with just a driver. 

The following day there is another message: 

“Hi darling it’s your mother. Have you found me a driver yet? Make sure he can get a hard-on...Okay? I love you, bye-bye”. 

Okay, in all honesty, I’m devastated, but I laugh my head off at the message. I think it is so funny I can’t believe it. This is not my mother, this is hilarious. But a few moments later, I’m heartbroken, this really is - not my mother. This is the point where her decline really begins.

the bright side of having Alzheimer's

There is something to be said about the gift of my mom's disease - at least in our case. There are many that suffer with Alzheimer's who are angry or distressed, my mom is not one of them. She is happy as a clam and you can tell by the big smile on her face.

She is easily re-directable, is always up for a walk, and enjoys doing arts and crafts. She delights over simple things like visits, puppy's and candy bars. That being said, you take away her TV and all hell will break loose. When I moved her, I set the TV up first - listen I'm no dummy.

Life can be hard, we all have worries. My mom certainly had worries, especially when a few of her friends started dying off. She used to worry about her company, her employees, she used to worry about me, she used to worry if she had enough money to retire. She used to worry about her community, about the state of Canadian politics, and why the paper hadn't been delivered on time. 

Now, she worries about nothing. Zip-Zero-Zilch.

She is happy - how could she not be? 

All her needs are cared for 24/7. Her meals prepared. Patricia, would you like coffee after your dinner? You would like a little milk in your coffee wouldn't you? Patricia, do you want to paint, color or take a ride on the bus today? You want to dance? I'll play some music for you. Patricia would you like a bubble bath or a shower in the spa today? 

All the doctors come to her, as well as the podiatrist, obstetrician, hairdresser, dentist and she can have in-room massages.

Then I come to visit and get ordered around: Tricia, move your head - I can't see the TV. Did you bring me any candy? Where's my dresser? When are you going to take me for ice cream? 

Sometimes I wonder where I can sign up...

always wear sunscreen

My mom has been doing well since moving her into her new home. Once she learned how to get back to her room the transition became easier. 

There is an unexpected learning curve in having my mom in a care home. It has taught me to live a better, more fulfilling life. It has taught me to choose my activities wisely, and ask the question - is this endeavor worthy of my time and energy? I was in a little bubble before, randomly living for the sake of it, without realizing the true preciousness of life, or just how finite it really is. Now after each visit I walk out deciding to live to my life to the fullest, engage with people I love and mostly, have fun. 

My mom was always proud of what I was doing (I know, only child syndrome). Be it a project, travelling, or some new and interesting adventure I had chosen. Even though we were often separated, I always knew what she wanted the most for me - happiness. She wanted me to be happy. 

It has been hard on me the past few months as I have been looking towards my future. Not that my future is hard, but there is an element of moving forward that is difficult because I feel in some sense I am leaving her behind. Somehow I get to go into the future, but she does not - not in the long term anyway. I have found coming to terms with this difficult.

I realized this weekend that the best way to honor my mom, and her dreams for my life, is to live life to the fullest. She would not want me to be worrying about her or burdening me with her illness. Of course it goes without saying that I will be there - but I am also trying to remember that she would want nothing more than for me to be happy - and so in this moment, that is what I am choosing to do. 

I feel inspired by Baz Luhrmann's - Always Wear Sunscreen: Don’t worry about the future, or worry but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum...

Give it a listen, I bet it will inspire you too.