Sex Drive ~ Part 6: Meet John (the conclusion)

My mother has given me a grocery list of the most extraordinary kind.

You’re never going to believe what I need you to help me with. I yell out to Kristina “Okay, she's says laughing - but we need to make sure the guy is bonded”  

I look through the Yellow Pages for a company. “Hi, this is a strange request, I'm calling on behalf of my mother, she would like a man.” “Oh sweetie” the woman says, “I get calls like this all the time...” And somehow, the woman at the male escort service has made me feel better. 

I tell the woman I will call her back.  I want to make sure this is really what my mom wants.

A few days later:

“I don’t want sex with a man I don't know,” my mom says.

Immediately I'm relieved. She has come to her senses, she knows it was a crazy idea. I feel a sense of happiness, my mother is back. “I want a man who I can have coffee with, go to the movies, have dinner and have sex!”

My mother has just decided now, after an Alzheimer's diagnosis, is the right time for a relationship. And somehow I’m the one that is supposed find this for her. Suddenly finding a sex partner seems much easier. People have sex for the sake of sex, or payment. How am I supposed to find a man who wants to take on a newly diagnosed partner with Alzheimer's/Dementia?

Impossible.  

A few days later I decide I have to believe anything is possible, so I put an ad on Craig's List:

"Daughter looking for partner for her mother: someone to have coffee with, someone to go to the theater, do 'things' daughters shouldn’t know about. I also say, she has memory loss." 

I receive 16 replies in 24 hours. I was not only shocked, but a little saddened by the amount of lonely people in the world. 

Nearly all of them said "who doesn't have memory loss? One man in particular John I liked a lot. He seemed warm and genuine. He had three grown children and was looking for someone to spend time with. In his picture he looked handsome and was into politics - just like my mother. After a few phone conversations, I set my mom and John up on a date to go for ice cream. 

After the date my mom (and her driver) met me for lunch.  I was very excited to hear how it had gone. So, mom, how was your date? “He’s too old for me!" she said. What? He's 5 years older! He's to old for me she repeated. I can't believe it. Lady, you have Alzheimer's... maybe we can make a few concessions here?

A few hours later I get a call from John. He had enjoyed her company. He thought she was beautiful, smart, and loved her enthusiasm. He would like to see her again. I asked my mom again. No was the answer. 

John called me a few times that summer hoping to see my mother, and even sent a post card later in the summer. 

There was no changing my mother's mind. 

What I realized months later, was that by the time my mom met with John, her medications had kicked in. The medications help to manage these erratic/abnormal behaviors. Alzheimer's medications take months to establish as the doctor slowly increase the doses to ensure the patient can handle the increase. It actually hadn't been my mother on a crazy-sex-drive-kick. It had been a woman with Alzheimer's who's inhibitions/real personality had been altered by a progressive disease. 

The real point I am trying to make here with this story - is how important it is to have an accurate diagnosis. This has to be done (especially important in the early stages) in order to obtain accurate medication. Once my mother's medications were adjusted in her system, she became normal again (for a period of time). I remember her even telling me that she felt better, she felt clearer in her mind. And the sex stuff - gone, never to come back. It really hadn't been my mother. It had been the disease. 

Sex Drive ~ Part One

After exactly 4 years  - I am finally ready to share this story. It represents the kick off to mother's Alzheimer's. Looking back it was an indication of the craziness to come, but at the this time I didn't know it. I will post Sex Drive in four parts. The following is part one.  

June 25, 2008, 830am - My Mom’s Office

Mom: “I put an ad on the Internet for a man...”

Me: “You did??? 

I stop what I am doing and look up at her in shock. 

Me: Well, what did you say in the ad?” 

Mom: “I want to get screwed!” 

WHAT? 

I hear the words coming from my mother's mouth - but I cannot believe what they have said. 

Me: “You do? 

“Whose name did you use in the ad?”

Mom: “My own.” 

I cannot believe it - any of it. My mom has put an ad on the Internet for a man and she has just told me in a whisper, at her office that she wants to get screwed? Worse still, she put her own name in the ad? That’s not even safe to do! My mother has lost her mind, but she seems perfectly capable to tell me about it...

This is not my mother. Not only is she is the most conservative woman on the planet, never drinking, never smoking, she has only had a few sexual partners in her whole life. Where was this coming from? 

Although we had had a very strong relationship, we had never discussed sex. She grew up in the 60‘s and the age of The Cleaver’s; I in the 80‘s in the age of Madonna. She was much too shy to ever talk to me about sex, it wasn't part of her generation, and I never wanted to embarrass her. The day after I got my period I came home from school to a book lying on my bed. “Did you get the book?” That was the extent of our sex talk. 

The doctor had warned me - but I hadn’t believed her. I didn’t believe my mother would ever exhibit these symptoms.  “There is one more thing you need to know, people with this illness often lose their sexual inhibition and because of this they often exhibit sexual behaviors - in public” the doctor went on...”people with this disease have been known to take their clothes off, touch themselves, or someone else, in public.” Oh, thank god - I thought to myself, that’s one thing I don’t have to worry about - this is my mother you’re talking about. I would do something like that (with the right amount of alcohol) -  my mother? ha. She would never-ever do anything like that. Or so I thought. 

To be continued...

What my mother's 'no pants' day taught me

One day this week I dropped in to see my mom around dinner time. I found her eating happily with the other residents in a long yellow gown, bare legs and running shoes.  

What happened mummy, where did your pants go?  

“I don’t want to wear pants” she said.  

You don’t want to wear pants anymore? 

She then looked up at me innocently and said “Do you want to take me back to my room and puts some pants on me?” 

Sure I say. 

When we get back to her room I find a pair of pants on her bed. I try to put these on but she says she doesn’t want them. I realize she thinks her pants are too small - they aren’t - but she thinks they are. I pull out another pair, she accepts. 

Pants now officially on.   

On one level I find the whole situation hilarious, as funny as a two year old refusing to wear clothes. On a deeper level, it bothers me that she is no longer able to communicate in a way others understand. It’s not that she doesn’t want to wear pants, it is that she can’t articulate the reason she doesn’t want to wear those pants. 

My mother deciding not to wear pants, is just another strange incident I will add to my long list of dealing with her Alzheimer's. She has tried to use a hair brush as a toothbrush, she has watered the fake flowers, while the real ones die in her room. She has collected milk bottles from the neighbors' recycling box. It's not easy seeing your mother do things in an improper way. The actions hurt on a deep level, it's your mother, and she is supposed to know better.    

I have not always handled these incidents well. I have freaked out, gotten angry, cried, yelled, even begged for her to stop, or do something a different way.  

Now, 4.5 years into managing her illness, and nearly a year into her being in a wonderful facility, I am more calme. I am able to ask myself, does it matter? Does it matter that she not wearing pants? Had we still been at home, it might have been a problem should she have wanted to go outside. 

But in here - it doesn't matter if she is in a yellow gown, purple gown with pants or without. She is fine, she is safe, she is content. And better yet, the whole “Villa” is accepting. A month ago at a fundraiser, my mom ate a cookie from the bake sale table. When I offered to pay, the woman said, “she’s a resident, she is allowed to eat anything she wants.” They make it easier for me to just let her be. 

I no longer need to push my needs or desires on her. I do not need to correct her behavior for the sake of my feelings, or to protect my own belief of how she "should be - or how she should act." I am learning to let it go and accept her exactly where she is at. I am learning to accept that if she doesn't care about wearing pants, then neither should I. 

No pants it is. 

A lesson from my mother's Alzheimer's: why a Power of Attorney is important

Two weeks ago bio-dad was told his lung cancer was back. In early March he lost his voice, once we realized it wasn’t a cold, we thought it was his vocal cords. However, the throat specialist said the left cord wasn’t functioning due to the lung. Which lung I asked him, “left” he said, which one was mostly removed a year and a half ago due to Cancer? The “left” he said.

Hummmmmm.... this doesn’t sound like a best case scenario. 

Despite my sadness over the news (we find out the extent of the Cancer in the results tomorrow), and knowing the process of legalities from dealing with my mother illness, I sprung into action. 

I called a lawyer, went went for an appointment. She verified my father was 'of sound mind' (necessary for POA). We signed the Power of Attorney (POA). The Will is being worked on now, we sign in it two weeks. How easy it is when you’ve already done it for one parent...

The importance of POA, cannot be under estimated. Prior to discussing anything - every single person, agency, and health care professional I have come in contact with in regards to my mother, asks for a copy of the POA. The doctors office, MSP, Revenue Canada, the cable company, the bank, the real estate agent, credit card companies, even ICBC (when I sold her car), the list is endless. 

Some of them I was able to drop off, some I could email, others I had to have “notarized” first. Yes, you heard correctly, some agencies want a “notarized” copy of the original. They know you can’t give up the original, so they will accept a “copy” but they want this copy to be notarized. I suggest getting 4 notarized copies of the orignial. Total pain in the u-know-what.   

Having a Power of Attorney in place, and a legal “living will” (must be registered with the provincial government to be legal), is an essential. Your chosen person will legally be able to manage your, affairs, estate and make medical decisions on your behalf immediately. 

Without these documents in place, not only will your children, friends, siblings, have to deal with their grief, but they will be tripping over themselves, other family members, and government agencies, trying to manage a difficult process without your prior consent. In short you will have left them with a ‘giant-mess.’  This mess will take months to sort, while your estate is locked in ‘government probate’ hell. 

I can hear the little voice in your head, but my husband, wife, friend “knows” what I want. They will know what to do, and they “know” everything goes to them. The government will know too. Turn that voice down, the government doesn’t give a lolly-pop about what you once said, or what might seem obvious. They will freeze every account with your name on it - before anyone has a chance to buy flowers. 

Take steps now: 

1. Put it on your to do list

2. Make a call to a Lawyer or a Notary Public

3. Get it done in the next month 

Getting a Power of Attorney in place, with someone you trust, to make decisions on your behalf is your responsibility, as parent, a spouse, and a person. Do not leave your affairs in a mess because you are to afraid to deal with it. 

A note to children of adult parents (especially my friends), learn from my mistakes. Yes, I know it is hard to deal with the mortality of your parents (it is for all of us), but don’t wait - and don’t let them wait until you actually ‘need one’. 5 years ago I had two healthy parents, now I have one with Alzheimer’s and one with Cancer. You just never know. 

With your legal affairs in order, you will have peace of mind you so you can enjoy your life knowing others won’t have to. 

having a parent with Alzheimer’s is like a giant dose of grow the fuck up

When I was young I thought the true sign of being a grown-up was buying patio furniture. To me, patio furniture was was the ultimate ‘grown-up’ purchase. Patio furniture meant I would have my own home, and it would be furnished with my own things; this was the sign I would be a grown-up. Now, a giant spotlight has shined on the true meaning of being an 'adult' and it reads: “time to grow the fuck up.” 

Until just a few years ago, my life was care free and fancy free. Unlike my mother's which was ridden with tragedy from a young age - her mother died when she was 3, her sister when she was 22, and she used to tell me she witnessed her father die at her sister's funeral - I was living in my own perfect bubble. Often I spent my time gallivanting around the world with a backpack; sometimes working in remote location on a film set; and much of the time I was doing yoga and having cocktails with friends. In essence, life was good. My family was healthy, there were plenty of opportunities and I embraced them.

I was, in fact, living the Baz Luhrmann song: Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. The only difference being I was blindsided at 4pm on a Friday.

As a kid blasting open the door, straight to the fridge, then down on the couch in front of the TV, I would see my mom crying over a commerical. Why would she cry over commercial, or on the phone upon hearing bad news about someone else’s life I would wonder. What made her so compassionate, and care so much? Why did she spend so much time helping people, or be willing to drive 6 hours to attend an uncles funeral? Okay, I got it on a human level...but there was so much empathy in my Mom's heart, I really didn't get it.  

Now, I get it. 

Having a mother with Alzheimer’s is exactly what develops ‘life experience’ for a self-proclaimed, self-centered, only child. It’s almost like growing a plant out of a white plank of styrofoam. Life experience furthers when the hearts aches. Now, compassion and empathy are emotions I seem to have too much of. I will never return to the carefree and fancy free life I lived in my prior bubble. Not unless you have been through some kind of tragedy, be it Alzheimer’s, Cancer, or any kind of life struggle, can you fully comprehend the immense gut-wrenching, psyche-bashing and all-consuming nature of the experience. 

And really, if given the choice, I wouldn't want to go back. I am now the person my mother was when she raised me. Even though I didn’t understand it at the time, I admired her compassion and caring nature toward others. 

In that respect, I am lucky to have had Alzheimer’s stuffed down my throat.