What my mother's 'no pants' day taught me

One day this week I dropped in to see my mom around dinner time. I found her eating happily with the other residents in a long yellow gown, bare legs and running shoes.  

What happened mummy, where did your pants go?  

“I don’t want to wear pants” she said.  

You don’t want to wear pants anymore? 

She then looked up at me innocently and said “Do you want to take me back to my room and puts some pants on me?” 

Sure I say. 

When we get back to her room I find a pair of pants on her bed. I try to put these on but she says she doesn’t want them. I realize she thinks her pants are too small - they aren’t - but she thinks they are. I pull out another pair, she accepts. 

Pants now officially on.   

On one level I find the whole situation hilarious, as funny as a two year old refusing to wear clothes. On a deeper level, it bothers me that she is no longer able to communicate in a way others understand. It’s not that she doesn’t want to wear pants, it is that she can’t articulate the reason she doesn’t want to wear those pants. 

My mother deciding not to wear pants, is just another strange incident I will add to my long list of dealing with her Alzheimer's. She has tried to use a hair brush as a toothbrush, she has watered the fake flowers, while the real ones die in her room. She has collected milk bottles from the neighbors' recycling box. It's not easy seeing your mother do things in an improper way. The actions hurt on a deep level, it's your mother, and she is supposed to know better.    

I have not always handled these incidents well. I have freaked out, gotten angry, cried, yelled, even begged for her to stop, or do something a different way.  

Now, 4.5 years into managing her illness, and nearly a year into her being in a wonderful facility, I am more calme. I am able to ask myself, does it matter? Does it matter that she not wearing pants? Had we still been at home, it might have been a problem should she have wanted to go outside. 

But in here - it doesn't matter if she is in a yellow gown, purple gown with pants or without. She is fine, she is safe, she is content. And better yet, the whole “Villa” is accepting. A month ago at a fundraiser, my mom ate a cookie from the bake sale table. When I offered to pay, the woman said, “she’s a resident, she is allowed to eat anything she wants.” They make it easier for me to just let her be. 

I no longer need to push my needs or desires on her. I do not need to correct her behavior for the sake of my feelings, or to protect my own belief of how she "should be - or how she should act." I am learning to let it go and accept her exactly where she is at. I am learning to accept that if she doesn't care about wearing pants, then neither should I. 

No pants it is. 

Comments

[Jennifer]

Thanks for sharing! I remember all of these emotions with my grandmother. One of the most difficult times was when she was at our house and looked at my saying, "Now, can you please remind me, what is your name?"
She was a very tiny lady who loved chocolate...and always seemed to remember where she hid her bag of chocolates - in her underwear drawer!
All the best to you and your mother!

[Andria Harris]

I am so happy that you have finally come to the understanding that your mother should not be or cannot be blamed for her new found behaviors. It is obvious that she has helped you to understand that these behaviors are symptoms of her illness and that there is nothing that she can do about them.
The only thing that she needs now is lots of love affection and care.
make sure that she is getting a propper diet, rich in fresh vegetables and fresh fruits, lots of fluids and bathroom regularities.
Your mom is lovely....she is smililg through this difficult period of her life...

Andria Harris
Dementia Care Living
@aphasue
http://iamashiningstar.typepad.com

[The Caregiver's Survival Network]

Thank you for sharing this. It's painful to watch our loved ones struggle to communicate but it sounds like your mom is in a caring and understanding living situation. The acceptance you have found is going to allow for an even greater appreciation of your relationship.

Thanks again for your honesty! Your stories about your mom will help so many.