having a parent with Alzheimer’s is like a giant dose of grow the fuck up

When I was young I thought the true sign of being a grown-up was buying patio furniture. To me, patio furniture was was the ultimate ‘grown-up’ purchase. Patio furniture meant I would have my own home, and it would be furnished with my own things; this was the sign I would be a grown-up. Now, a giant spotlight has shined on the true meaning of being an 'adult' and it reads: “time to grow the fuck up.” 

Until just a few years ago, my life was care free and fancy free. Unlike my mother's which was ridden with tragedy from a young age - her mother died when she was 3, her sister when she was 22, and she used to tell me she witnessed her father die at her sister's funeral - I was living in my own perfect bubble. Often I spent my time gallivanting around the world with a backpack; sometimes working in remote location on a film set; and much of the time I was doing yoga and having cocktails with friends. In essence, life was good. My family was healthy, there were plenty of opportunities and I embraced them.

I was, in fact, living the Baz Luhrmann song: Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. The only difference being I was blindsided at 4pm on a Friday.

As a kid blasting open the door, straight to the fridge, then down on the couch in front of the TV, I would see my mom crying over a commerical. Why would she cry over commercial, or on the phone upon hearing bad news about someone else’s life I would wonder. What made her so compassionate, and care so much? Why did she spend so much time helping people, or be willing to drive 6 hours to attend an uncles funeral? Okay, I got it on a human level...but there was so much empathy in my Mom's heart, I really didn't get it.  

Now, I get it. 

Having a mother with Alzheimer’s is exactly what develops ‘life experience’ for a self-proclaimed, self-centered, only child. It’s almost like growing a plant out of a white plank of styrofoam. Life experience furthers when the hearts aches. Now, compassion and empathy are emotions I seem to have too much of. I will never return to the carefree and fancy free life I lived in my prior bubble. Not unless you have been through some kind of tragedy, be it Alzheimer’s, Cancer, or any kind of life struggle, can you fully comprehend the immense gut-wrenching, psyche-bashing and all-consuming nature of the experience. 

And really, if given the choice, I wouldn't want to go back. I am now the person my mother was when she raised me. Even though I didn’t understand it at the time, I admired her compassion and caring nature toward others. 

In that respect, I am lucky to have had Alzheimer’s stuffed down my throat. 

Comments

[Linda]

I totally get where you're coming from. Both my mother & MIL (widows) have Alzheimer's. MIL is in asst living overseen by my husband, the POA. He has 2 bros & he is on good terms with them. Both mothers live near us. My mother, on the other hand, is having her life dictated by my sister, who my mother chose to be POA yrs back. I am the one who lives nearby. My sister rarely visits my mom. My sister & I are estranged, as sister isn't overseeing our Mother's care (or lack of it). She refuses to make me joint POA. My mother always had a closer relationship with my sister (who is older). My sister was also named Executrix of our Mother's will. In event of her demise, my nephew is next in line. I want to be here to help my mom, but her long long favoritism towards my sister over me colors my behavior to a large extent. So I actually do more for my MIL than my own mother. I also get no grief from my husband's family.

[luckie]

WOW! Such a perfect post and words to describe an experience that so often leaves you speechless!

I too am a Daughter on the journey with her Mother through Alzheimer's Disease and so completely understand (and agree) with EVERYTHING you've shared.

I THOUGHT I knew compassion, but I really didn't. The slow march of ALZ breaks first, then softens my heart,.. over and over again. Buddhists refer to this as developing "Bodhicitta" -- an awakened heart.

As much as I'd like to think at some point I would have arrived at this place, I know the ONLY way for me to truly understand suffering, was to see the human I love most, suffering beyond my control.

The process is gut wrenching, beautiful (if you accept the lessons that come with it) and life changing.

Thank you for finding the words I so often lack and good vibes to you and yours.

Luckie